Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
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Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*