I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
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A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
girls literally only want one thing..
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”