my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
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The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back