Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
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This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled