You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
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A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I can’t be the only one 😂
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.