I can’t be the only one 😂
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
When you don’t understand how floors work
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me