Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
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Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?