the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!