Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
me 2 months after i graduated
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
#NeverForget
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.