OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
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Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Is this you?
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine