When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Name another movie that mislead you?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.