Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
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[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
My dad teaching me to drive
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Practicing safe sax
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
This is a whole mood;
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok