PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
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Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
a public service announcement
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
idk what this dog had been going through but same
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day