[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
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“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.