<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
These aliens are taking forever.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.