Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
What?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Try and stop me.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.