Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Brilliant!
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.