No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
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[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHR脰DINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[scooby doo鈥檚 wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Me checking my bank balance online.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You鈥檙e stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Unimpressed
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 馃檨
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They鈥檙e going to remember those forever lol
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.