CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
You Might Also Like
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.