Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work