If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
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Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
mariah carrie
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Taking phone security to the next level.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.