My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
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Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
When I laugh on my period
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”