[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
omg leave her alone
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Quadruple digit IQ
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Not to say my family is messy but I鈥檝e had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else鈥檚 pants??
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
me: time for sleep 馃檪
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
LADIES, imagine this.
It鈥檚 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
i wish we could shoplift online
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
60% of Americans? That鈥檚 almost half. 馃檪
Little kids only want to be independent when you鈥檙e running late.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind