Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
You Might Also Like
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
At least he brought enough for everyone
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.