Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
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Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.