I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️