an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
You Might Also Like
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*