[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked