MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
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