Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.

Me: I know, right?

This chloroform smells expensiv…

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

My loaf of bread looks terrified

February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

[First day as homicide detective]

* approaching murder scene *

Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……

If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.

Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.