As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
You Might Also Like
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Mornin
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.