Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
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We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Every. Damn. Time.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.