Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
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TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
ouch
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.