“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
You know…for fall…
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.