When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
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I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
(Jupiter –
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them