Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
What’s a Messi?
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Great game to play with friends
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.