Great game to play with friends
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You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”