I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.