9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
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Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*