ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
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My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
This meeting could have been a cake
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Anyone really
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”