When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
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My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳