Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
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The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.