Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
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My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.