“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
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*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I don’t know what to do
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.