My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
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Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck