Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.