Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.

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According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.


My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.


I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.


They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.


911: What’s your emergency?

“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”

911: Are you flirting?

“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”


What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?


“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.


Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.


All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.


THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler