The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
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Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?