Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
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[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same