*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
You Might Also Like
Meowchelangelo
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Me if I was a dog
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave