“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
You Might Also Like
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.