looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
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Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it