I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
You Might Also Like
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch